just need get past this week
<< 11:52 p.m. - Thursday, Sept. 26, 2002 >>
I�m at a point where my face just falls into my hands. I just let it all go. That ground I gained is lost and I am back where I was before. I can�t help thinking that maybe I just like drama. Or that I like feeling sorry for myself, so I�m putting myself into these awkward positions to get that lonely feeling. I got caught in a torrent of arguments, and I tried not to disagree with anyone. I so hate having someone disliking me.

I keep trying to imagine conversations in the future. I�m hypothesizing the questions I might ask, but I know that once they reach my mouth, the whole idea becomes garbled, and I�ll give up. I have this thing about getting it perfect the first time, like playing the guitar. I couldn�t stand it when I sounded bad. I mean �duh!�, i�m going to sound like crap, but I couldn�t take it. It drove me crazy.

I just don�t know what I want, and its getting me into trouble, everyone wants me to choose a �side�, I want to too, its not very comfortable in between the �sides�. I�m being asked too many questions I can�t answer, and don�t want to. But I can�t lie; I�m terrible at lies. I can�t find a safe place.

I�m sorry Black Nails. I�m an idiot.

Bye bye....