why not leave? why not move? I can't....
<< 8:38 p.m. - Wednesday, Oct. 23, 2002 >>
Things seem clearer than ever. I find myself saying that so often. Do I really mean it? I feel like I�m having multiple epiphanies everyday. And every time I have one, the previous realization feels obsolete. I feel as if I�m really going somewhere. Maybe it�s all in my mind. Dunno�

Every aspect of my life is so deeply rooted in homework. It�s this weird tie between procrastination and perfectionism. It drives me up the wall. If it�s not perfect it�s shit. Its hard having friends who are always better than me. I have no redeeming qualities when I�m with them. Feel so quiet - feel so stupid. Never have much to say that hasn�t been said better. I�m known for nothing, Gina is even quieter than me, Jenny is more artistic than me, and Brenna is more flexible than me. I just realized how pointless I feel. I just don�t want to try sometimes.

White Paper is the thing I strive for. This mythical genius, I know I could be. And yet I can't see any flaws in her, goddamn such perfect people. But there must be something wrong in her life, right?

Why is it that adults are constantly telling me how smart I am, and yet I don�t get the grades to show for it? I know I could do better. What is holding me back? I keep asking myself.

Maybe I�m not really moving at all. I�m against a moving backdrop inside a stationary car. The fan blows hard, it even sounds like gravel is crunching under the tires. But I�m still sitting in the place.

Sigh�..

me