I need liquid plumber for my mind.
<< 11:16 p.m. - Tuesday, Oct. 29, 2002 >>
Where do I start? I had so many things to say, and in the connection of pencil and paper, the ideas have gotten stuck in my head. A rush of jamming thought. Trying to let it flow�

I love to make people laugh. My humor employs physical comedy and self-degrading comments. Am I funny? Three times (i think) Rahnia spit/choked all over herself and her potatoes. It�s such a satisfying thing to make a person laugh. Some strange connection. Spark?

But as we talked I kept joking. I couldn�t shut up, and I wanted to so badly. When I don�t there is silence. I�m comfortable with that. Are others? I talk to save them from feeling weird. Never can I recall what it is I�ve said during those times. Why can�t I be serious? Alone I am, quiet and perceptive (I flatter myself). Why, in groups does my calm reflective nature get so skewed? What is my true nature? The answer seems ambiguous at the moment.

Again I�m not in �moment�. I have slipped (accidentally or purposely, I don�t know). I�m out above the tree line watching things from a safe distance; I don�t want to be hurt. I don�t want to be affected. Does that make any sense?

Homework - I�m trying not to care. Animal Lover drew a picture of me with bubbles that said, �I don�t care how I look or dress.� And �I�m don�t care about anything.� I guess I haven�t made it clear to her, or for anyone. I have to stop caring as much as I do. Everything affects me too greatly. I remember vividly all the injustice done me. I feel guilty if I don�t pet the dog enough in a day. I doubt this is healthy. It�s definitely annoying. I�m trying hard to let go. Damn�so hard.

Yeah.. there was more. My dad said I have to get offline now. My parents are Nazis sometimes. Is it me that makes them act so?