Ahh! Troubles with White Paper and the World
<< 5:24 p.m. - Thursday, Nov. 07, 2002 >>
They�re talking about the world in series of black and white images. They make me feel cold, alien to life. Math Genius, White Paper, and The Painter are slouched against the dusty, food encrusted steps of my high school. White Paper is pushing against the door with her butt, letting short bursts of cool air inside. I�m tightly knotted on a step, curling my arms around what I�m writing.

They�ve been talking for about an hour. Ownership of the world. Sweatshops and boycotting injustice. Its like listening to a seasoned speech, I can�t stand it. They speak in unemotional terms (in my mind), as if everything has one right answer.

I don�t understand my friends. They are so unlike me. �Is there hope for the future of our planet?� they say. The discussion is endless and circular, and as always I remain silent, trying in my own mind to find a truth.

White Paper feels guilt; she is living a privileged middle class life while others suffer for her luxury. I understand this; I agree (silently) but at this point in my life, there seems nothing I could do. I am not in a position to go fly off to another country and help people. Why is it that to stop the exploitation of the poor, you have to use money? It seems so hypocritical. In the end what does it matter? A majority of efforts go unnoticed.

White Paper feels dumb. How can this be? She is a valedictorian; she gets good SAT scores and is adored by her parents. When someone has that much, how can I compete? She admits that she is selfish, but that�s not enough, I see no change in her. Her depth & knowledge goes so far, and yet, she still seems shallow. I know that�s cruel. But there is something I cannot get past. I'm missing the key to her mind. Or is that it?

She tells us how well our friends can communicate and accept each other. Then, why is it that I always feel shy & misunderstood? My actions are mocked, as if I�m always in a dreamy state. I am awake, people! I just wait to react, try to reason things out.

When I talk to her, she makes me feel so worthless and mentally undeveloped. Maybe if I got all A�s like her she would respect me. I wouldn�t be talked down to anymore. Grades and test scores mean everything in her world. I must be a pitiful piece of trash to her.

Animal Lover understands. We are at the bottom of the �grade pool�. (Such as B�s)

I want to feel like I have purpose.