wait a minute - wait a minute!
<< 3:30 a.m. - Thursday, Dec. 26, 2002 >>
I�m drained. Although the hour is tall, I think it is more than that. Christmas eve I walked around for an hour and a half at two in the morning. Unlocked my door and slipped out of the window, hoping my parents would see it and get worried. I stood in front of White Paper�s dark house and imagined the �all American Christmas� I would never have. Walked in the dark with my head down, thinking. No cars passed down the streets; it was black and silent while I listened to Pinback.

Of course the evening started out relatively well, but in the process it all came spiraling down. I feel guilty being so negative on such a �joyous� occasion, but the eve was bad. I made a nice chocolate cake, but in complicated circumstances my dad ended up throwing it outside into the gravel.

So tumultuous, it tires me. I want to live with someone else and be only bothered by my homework.

I wish I could talk with spirituality and clarity about commercialism and the start of a new year. My words have gotten lost in the shuffle of feet and the loud voices. I only feel guilty for the menagerie of mistakes I have made and the friends I have lost for being careless and too solitary.

Funny, that while I write this I want a friend, and in the process I imagine people would be repelled. But that�s how it always is.