red lights in all directions
<< 2:06 a.m. - Sunday, Jan. 05, 2003 >>

�you walk down alameda looking at the constant state of suspense
thinking about your friends
how you maintain all them in a constant state of suspense
for your own protection over their affection
nobody broke your heart
you broke your own �cos you can�t finish what you start
walk down alameda brushing off the nightmare you wish
could plague me when I�m awake
so now you see your first mistake was thinking that you could relate
��
but the fix is in
you is all pretension
i never pay attention
nobody broke your heart
you broke your own �cos you can�t finish what you start
�..
if you�re alone it must be you that wants to be apart�
--Elliot Smith

A new song. A reality smashed into my face, like the grapefruit James Cagney �gave� to his girlfriend. I feel empty and alone again. Trying to fabricate friendship that never existed. Wanting a heart in my hands to feel special. But I�m not willing to share. I will runaway with the pumping muscle in my hands. Blind in silent streets. I realize now that I have no patience. I ruin everything with too much anticipation � my art - my friendships - my cooking projects - sports. I want things without effort. The Sim version of myself is constantly being slapped and yelled at. I think to myself that Megan is my closest friend and remember we rarely do stuff together.

Why bother? After seeing Chicago I notice that fame (that thing that I have always dreamed of) is a desolate drug. I strive for recognition all the while it won�t make my life any better. So why am I unhappy? �nobody broke your heart, you broke your own �cos you can�t finish what you start, �..if you�re alone it must be you that wants to be apart.� Can that be right? I want to set myself apart and feel lonely when it�s me that makes it that way?

I don�t want to believe. Tie a bandana around my eyes and spin me around. Then you can�t blame me for being strange and disoriented.