Some Kind of Arrogant Awakening
<< 6:50 a.m. - Thursday, Jul. 08, 2004 >>
I really thought they were coming after us. Your voice coming in and out of focus; and I am falsely panicky. I made a Karma chain, and whenever something went wrong with my little world I�d string a bead and call it my bad luck. I had myself convinced I was about to be killed in a car wreck. I�d drive over bridges and see this person that is not myself but only a shell of my body careening over the edge into green water.

I�m more paranoid than ever. And being this way requires a certain amount of selfishness; me sitting here and assuming I am in the eye of some metaphorical shit storm. Stupid. Dreams where my friends cast me out because I am no longer worthy. Well, they seem like reality. They seem like they hold some kind of possibility. I don�t deserve all the people who love me. I don�t deserve shite.

How does one deserve anything, really? We are all the same person with a million combinations in paths taken and time lines crossed.

I�m afraid:

that I didn�t say the right thing.
that I�m not what you needed.
that I didn�t give you a chance.
that I won�t remember what you said.
that it won�t be enough.
that the love I feel isn�t real.
that we didn�t have enough time.
that you think I am bad.
that I am bad.
of losing seven year old friendships.
that in the end it won�t matter.
I�m going to forget who I am now.
That I am going to end up like my parents.