Have I Deceived Myself Agian?
<< 6:49 p.m. - Thursday, May. 15, 2003 >>
I�m finding it painful and tiring to read through my old entries from December and January. I was so full of angst and anger it makes me frightened. I don�t want to slip back into that. I don�t want to feel so alienated. I would say how happy I was one day, and the next confess my hate of life. How have I turned around? How did I escape this?

I worry constantly that I haven�t, and I�m just kidding myself. Pretending things are okay when they�re not. I feel happy, I feel a part of things, but perhaps it�s a mirage. I�m not looking close enough. I�m not seeing how devastating my actions are. I don�t want to end up with the grades I had last quarter. I�ll lose all the ground I�ve gained. I would just fall on my knees and just cry the entire summer.

What am I waiting for? I should do my homework. I should be on top of things. Still, I find myself putting off due dates and acting like I can write two essays in an hour. Maybe I�m kidding myself� but I really hope not. I hope my efforts are not ill spent.