Break Too
<< 10:03 p.m. - Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004 >>
I�ve been dictating this entry in my head for several hours now, it keeps changing shape, flipping into different diverging pathways, but, there is this ever present question about where I am right now. People think I am lost. People think I am losing myself. People can think so many things. Hah, no shit, Kelsi. But when people make poor assumptions, I just don�t know if it can be helped. It does grate on me. It does bring me down. Every other epiphany I�ve experienced tells me that I can withstand all kinds of hurt, stop crying, being a powerful unflinching woman. (Me, a woman?)

This isn�t true. I can�t pretend that even the little things people do can send me spiraling into disproportionate angst. If I didn�t cry, I don�t think that would get me anywhere but stuck inside myself.
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I walked all the way home from practice today, wet and striding along rain slicked streets. And this is my quiet spot. In motion. Walked away from talks with Sheila shaking with tears and anger and came to my house in perfect lovely calm.
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Epiphanies that come this way aren�t going to change everything. If I had hoped to rearrange the person I am, I would have looked to summer and that unforgettable night with Rosy and Andrew in the airport. Still, there are pieces of you that you carry around all your life, I think. You may shed who you are, but pieces still cling; the inner organs of your being.
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I have to find some sort of routine. Not rules. Not guidelines. Not even parameters. I think writing your beliefs into stone, is what gets us into trouble. Because there are bound to be events that break one�s stone. Better to write them in sand. Better to let some things stay with you and let others get carried by the tide. Bend, but don�t forget to break too.