Direct Me South
<< 1:06 a.m. - Saturday, Jul. 12, 2003 >>
Where do I dare enter on this blank page before me? Use the outsides of my feet to creep in here with stunning silence? Or am I marching in, black boots and bald anger? I want to steal into your heart and dwell there. Curled so tightly you wouldn�t notice. I don�t like causing wakes when I speak. So can I coat you all in honey and then open my empty mouth? I have so much nothing to say. These words I take too seriously, will fall away and I�ll be left with my pulsing organs and a white skeleton. And really I�m only saying this because it sounds pretty and insightful, but I don�t even know what I mean.

Mention this to me
Mention something, mention anything
... and watch the weather change.

So what do I mention? What can I say? This is the first time I regret giving this address to so many people. My cryptic writing can only go so far and I worry that there are those who can decipher it, and will tell others.

I�m watching this world I thought to be so cold and so desolate become simple burning happiness. I�m trying to let the ugly words I read not scrape me when I swallow them. Doesn�t always work. I never thought myself to be a Jessica, waiting hungrily like a baby bird for compliments and stepping on people to get accepted socially. I didn�t think I was desperate to be cool. Maybe you�re right Megan. I�m capricious. I�ve felt this bitter pill all day.

I�ll stand outside with bare feet and neck straining toward the light of the moon and think of you. Because I�ve become oh-so-lonely, in this silence I created myself for myself. These self portraits don�t resemble me anymore and my hand won�t follow the directions I give it. �I know that,� I tell him and then look to the stars and ignore the following question. �You know it?� The stars, the stars. I wish we could all go outside at the same time and stare together separately. Now, in this darkness I want to focus all my attention on the north star and fly south.