stars in my hair. stones in my mouth. a blindfold over my eyes.
<< 10:10 p.m. - Tuesday, Nov. 12, 2002 >>
I�ve been neglectful with friendships. I fade in and out, never truly there. It must be hard to be friends with me. It makes me depressed to think of that. I�m a flake; I admit it. But I have yet to change my ways.

Making plans and canceling them. Saying I forgot, when I didn�t. I�m avoiding something unfathomable. I don�t know what makes me do this. Damn, I�m so black and white. I can�t do anything in moderation. Near obsession one moment, close to carelessness the next. But it isn�t that I don�t care, I do. I just force myself to not become clingy. I cannot stand not being wanted, being the fifth wheel. And so I make myself aloof, unreachable, - I want to be needed.

I have no boyfriend. Never really did. Nobody is very close. I thought they were holding me at a distance. And then today I realized it�s me who does that. I have a space between each of my friends, a gap that remains. Why do I do this? I don�t understand. Its some sort of safety net incase someone betrays my trust. No one has ever done this. So why have I created it?

I need to lay on pillows and speak of everything. Will anyone want to listen? Would I want to? No.

I�m making myself happy in school work, avoiding my social inadequacy.

If I had one chance to speak my mind, I don�t think I would take it.