All These Complications Are Visible Only To Me
<< 6:05 p.m. - Friday, Jun. 20, 2003 >>
Yes I'll admit it, I'm a total hypocrite telling people not to bitch about what I say in this journal and then turning around and whining continuously if someone does it to me. Ahh screw it. I'll say what I want and not look back. The writing class has ended and now I have this burning need to get everything on to paper, but still I can't figure out what to censor. Do you want to hear all?
My hands are slow and sticky from the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I had, and was inherently too lazy to wash off my hands. Ehh.
Quoting myself:
"Horchata. Horchata. Let's mix it up. Let's light all my insecurities on fire and watch them burn. I want ice in a champagne glass with a straw, please. The epitome of cool. Hah. Let's drink till this funky rice milk is gone, guzzled down our gaping craws. I'll write on your neck if you write on mine.
We heard you cursing in the kitchen with metallic crunching in the background. Falling over myself with laughter, and trying to reach you. Wait. And let's not get so serious about this rose business. Might it be better if we... oh never mind, I'm just jealous of you Jenny. Let's live and cast our cares to the winds. My short comings are too sharp when I hold them in my hand. Anne laughed so hard the neighboors called the police who stood sheepishly at the door."
My days become more interesting and yet, these friendships are not mine. Because I am not completely comfortable. I worry too much that if I am myself I will act like Kai and spew careless words all around. I don't want to whine, but here I am. Bah! I am unsatisfied. I want to change. I want to let go of negative things, but they trail behind like tin cans. I don't want to be such a lunk. I feel fat and irritable.
I need you to hear.
I need you to see that I have had all I can take and exploding seems like a
definite possibility to me.
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me.... I'll never be the same.