Insomniac Times: I Evolved
<< 12:07 p.m. - Sunday, Jun. 29, 2003 >>
At the airport at 2:30 am and wrote this.

I've got subtle and silent words in my mouth and I'm ready to release them. Drone on incessantly about my lack of talking and suddenly come up with a thousand ways to say, "I can't", 'I'm a failure", and "I'm not like them." So what does that mean? I don't know where to go. I don't know what it is that I want. I'm ready to be able to let go of my paranoia.

Everything I say now is recycled from months passed, and I feel like I'm not going anywhere. I'm not really changing. I'm not trying at all. I told Jenny, "Self evolution is so slow." And my patience ebbs. I want to find myself in a place where I may lose my worries. Take over the room with my wise smile. That won't happen. I wait on change like a master waits in his servant. Servant be damned if he's going through this all alone.

And I don't want to be alone.

Andrew's guitar is beautiful. The sound is eaten by this sleeping room. I'm lying on a metal window ledge and looking out at the stationary airplanes. How can it be that Jenny is leaving so soon? I pretend I'm her and let my heart break as I'm transported all the way across the country. Don't let these friendships die.

Amazing to me how much just several hours in the company of Rosy and Andrew makes me want to spit on this. How these epiphanies can come crashing into me without me knowing. And suddenly waking up and knowing I've changed. That I'm not the same person. My self-evolution might be headed somewhere.

Stayed up all night with those two. Hah. Went to Ellen's for a time and did my watching thing again. Meh. Andrew and Alex did some cool blues stuff, and I am increasingly amazed at the amount of improvisation that these people have. Ate spaghetti. Petted Polka Dot the Dalmatian. Lit matches and inhaled their acrid smell.

And then off to the airport. Waiting on those short couches and listening to the hypnotic strumming of Andrew's gee-tar. Rosy and I wrote and then went into a malaise. They bought coffee at 4:15 and I some sweet sweet orange juice. Played cards. Learned King's Corner from Cathy, the cleaner of things in this here airport. Laughed a lot in our sleepy stupor.

Jenny came with her little blue Amigos shirt. I cried a little. And mostly her hands were intertwined with Andrew's as she hugged us all. I'm going to miss that girl. Oh man.

Then to Madison's park. Sliding down wet slide and trying to drink from the sprinklers. Playing with matches again.

Mt. Tabor at 7 am. We laid in the sun and fell asleep for an hour and a half. Woke up with drool all over my face. Heh. We talked. We "silenced." And dammit if that wasn't one of the best times I had this week. I dig this low-key stuff.