some better way to say goodbye
<< 9:53 p.m. - Monday, Dec. 16, 2002 >>
I�m waiting for the perfect Christmas and all the while knowing it won�t pan out. I find myself doing this every year. Wishing for snow. Wishing for a smaller burden to carry. Wishing school wouldn�t follow me throughout the break. All these dreams that hover fleetingly and pop over my head. I want to feel fulfilled for once. �Be proactive,� my mother says. And then quotes Ani Difranco by saying, �You hit what you head for, Kelsi.�

Tiny sand grains get under my skin and rub away at the being beneath the exterior. I keep shaking in frustration. At one point I was sad at Ms. Aloveah and now I can only feel irrational anger. But maybe it was a bad presentation. I was just so sure it was worth it. All my effort piddled away into a series of numbers. I blame her for what I cannot face in myself.

I want school to be over so badly. Just end dammit! I hate math. I hate Spanish. I hate biology. My only solace is in art and English. The teachers don�t grate as much; they float about me in a haze. I want to live in the clouds and forget all this nonsense filling my brain when I should be busy living. I want it to be over. I just want to relax.