Summer Of Our Growth
<< 7:13 a.m. - Thursday, Jul. 10, 2003 >>
Another friend has left us behind in search of a new voice, a new culture, and perhaps the change she is so afraid of. All the while waving to her at the gate I can't imagine myself in a situation like that. I might cry. I might have wanted to run back through the gate and said to hell with this. This courage my friends have doesn�t possess me. Anne, Melissa, Gina and I stayed at the airport all night and coffee on an empty stomach has again proved to be a roiling problem. I can't sleep and I feel like there is a balloon inside me. All this knotted energy and anticipation for Brenna.

But I'm glad we got to talk. I took the precious minutes of both Jenny and Brenna and kept them to myself. Jenny and I laid down on the roof of Hosford and watched the stars and I told her how much she would change. All the friends we've made won't be wasted and they'll all be here for her when she gets back. Summer of our growth.

And Brenna? We do the im thing.
fizzystar39: you're very brave my friend
bmtat86: i dont know how brave i am
bmtat86: everything will be different
fizzystar39: everything is already different
fizzystar39: and you'll be different when you get back
fizzystar39: and maybe i will too
fizzystar39: and its all i can think about
bmtat86: it almost makes me cry
bmtat86: i dont know why change is so hard for me
bmtat86: i feel like im in the twilight zone
fizzystar39: it's sad that we're finally leaving our past behind
fizzystar39: but look at what we have ahead, jesus. its amazing
bmtat86: i know
bmtat86: but
bmtat86: the change is so quick
fizzystar39: yeah... i've been waiting for it so long and *poof*
fizzystar39: i wake up different
bmtat86: i know what the hell is going on
bmtat86: now im all stirred up again i havent felt grounded in a long time nothing is predictable enough
bmtat86: anymore
fizzystar39: is that a bad thing?
bmtat86: i dont know its just different
bmtat86: all so different
fizzystar39: haha
bmtat86: i just feel like everything is so weird
bmtat86: ahhh
fizzystar39: i don't know.. i hope it lasts
fizzystar39: i like waking up and not knowing where i'm going
bmtat86: see it scares me i think
bmtat86: i feel like im living a different life
fizzystar39: do you think you've changed?
bmtat86: like i came back and this is not where i grew up things had shifted
bmtat86: no i dont think i have maybe i have i dont really know who i am anymore
fizzystar39: its strange how people always say they know themselves and here we are... so unknowing...

Throughout my burning self-discovery and epiphanies, my mother remains smoking in the background. Clouding my vision with negativity. How can we be so inversely affected? Drowned herself in a bottle of red wine last night and began laughing and crying at me. And I don't know what to do. I want to strangle her boss for the hell she puts my mother through, but then I think I should just stay away and not be pulled into this. It isn't my problem, she has to deal. Being fifty doesn't entitle one to peace, wisdom or happiness. Watching her, I know what not to do. Exiting the cloud is personal. One must do it themselves.