letting go.
<< 10:54 p.m. - Tuesday, Mar. 04, 2003 >>
I can�t help but think of Andrew�s entry about lack of caring. Once things start to slip, I find it so easy just to let go. To scrape by. I always scrape by. I live in chaos and somehow, amidst the sound and turmoil I find a niche of comfort. It�s a way to ignore the other things going on in my life. I know I could to better. But sometimes I really don�t care. Besides, it�s taken me all year to give up with my obsessive caring patterns, why go back? I can�t live like that. I won�t.

I can usually weasel out of things anyway, and if I don�t then I pay. Paying isn�t fun. Paying for my lack in motivation gives me talks with the vice principal. I know that doesn�t sound like me. I don�t think it does either. No matter how bad things are I am able to brush them off and sit back and watch things go to hell. Andrew said, �to care about your pipe and your skateboard and the ramones...and leave it at that. It must be nice.� But he�s wrong. I don�t do any of that and here I am standing in the position of shame. How?

I finally let go of the balloons in my hand. I watched them float into the sky and become invisible.