I Won't Stay Inside My Lines
<< 8:23 p.m. - Monday, May. 05, 2003 >>
I�m feeling discreetly happy. Don�t want to proclaim my love of friends, life, and Little Raven too loudly for fear they will crumble. My emotions are so commonly on stormy seas, and now I want to whisper it to all that life is calm and lovely. Let my voice seep into the quiet roots of trees and in October its leaves will tell you exactly where I am.

I�ll say what I want, because I�m beginning to lose my grip on obsessing about what people think of me. I�m feeling happy where I am. I�m crawling up the cliffs of redemption. Participating when normally I�d be silent. Feel like I�m present, accounted for; not completely aloof.

But the dissolution from my pit of despair isn�t completely over. I can�t trust myself. I can�t help worrying things will return to pink pills and inner turmoil. Times when I�d act calm and reflective when all I could feel was a roiling sea of worries.

I realize now it was a mistake to stop caring. It was a mistake to let the metaphorical balloons fly out of my hands. Once I slide, I can�t stop. I push things farther and say school is worthless bullshit. I don�t think it is anymore, if I�ve got anything from our deadened Theory of Knowledge discussions, it�s that I�m forced to interact with those I would normally ignore. I believe without school I would be a more solitary and awkward being than I am already.

So. Is it worth all this? You tell me.