Middle
<< 10:45 p.m. - Thursday, Sept. 30, 2004 >>
I�m enjoying a medium tonight. Finally.

This morning I woke before my alarm, as always. And suddenly the ceiling collapsed, the room became dark, and I entered a reality I call Monster. Kicking boxes. Throwing my garbage can. Opening the window and jumping out. Breaking rocks outside. Screaming insanely. Throwing myself to the floor repeatedly.

Possessed. Manic. Child.

Monster; I hate to admit is part of me. Destructive. Something I have inherited from my father and his father, it continues. Wait now. I still hold the controls. I should hold them tighter perhaps.

Let me see. Have I ever fought with you directly? No. I swallow all my fights. All my rising anger. Subdue it with walks on Mt. Tabor or journal writing.

Is anyone out there and listening?

Sometimes I don�t want to bother talking because I don�t know if you�ll understand or care. Or maybe because it feels like too much effort. I�m stressed. I�ve been unhappy. I�m dealing with it. I am a fucking hypocrite. I guess I have to get used to it. Cause you are one too.

I guess, this is where I am now. Between the slopes. Ahh.