Fade Us Out
<< 12:08 a.m. - Wednesday, Sept. 08, 2004 >>
�Wait in line
'Till your time
Ticking clock
Everyone stop

Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me.�
-Zero 7

I�m realizing now how very much I cling to this world I have created for myself. These people I love. This town I know. I forgot about the fall of next year. We, like leaves on my metaphorical tree, will come floating down and get lost in something else, someone else. We aren�t going to get back to where we are. Ever. I guess the worst part about that, the part that hurts even more than initial loss of friends, is that, in a year, I will probably shrug it off. How can I do that? How can anyone? These bonds we�ve created, the memories we�ve made; all lost in the tides of so many new states and places and people. It�s like looking back at old love perhaps, not seeing it to be as deep as the new one. I don�t think I�d know.

Years pass and make your life a fucking blur. In that blur and in that haze, feelings get muddled and misplaced, and I don�t ever want to doubt my love and my connection with people. I don�t want to lose anyone.

You have to be your own core. Collecting and shedding friends and lovers. That hurts too. Realizing, that in the end I don�t have a forever companion. I have myself. Myself just doesn�t feel that comforting right now. I�ve got this year planned out; living at Mark�s and working and going to school. Past that, I have fragments. Strips of film I�m not ready to release to mass audiences.

It reminds me of a walk I took a couple weeks past. Near the waterfront, and those famous thistle seeds we place wishes on passes me by. Two stuck together and one alone. Alone, and she sailed much higher, caught by lighter breezes; two: weighted down but together. It�s a choice I guess. There is so much that remains to be seen.