No Wishes & Some Paranoia.
<< 7:01 p.m. - Saturday, Jul. 17, 2004 >>
I don�t know how many more times I can write the same sentence with additional variations. My journeyWhatever the hell it is that I pass through every day is often so muddled and confused. I walk and walk and move through my truths, only to turn a different direction and see that the landscape has altered drastically, and the things I thought to be fact are not.

Would�ve hoped I would�ve figured that out by now. You can�t write your beliefs and thoughts into stone. You have to let them change. Write them into sand. Damn, it�s always a slap in the face when I have to change the way I�ve been living. Like someone snidely remarking that I should�ve listened to them. Why am I so against anyone telling me what to do? And yet, why do I cave to easily to pressure?

You asked me, �But what if we were all wrong about him? You know him better than any of us do.� I wanted someone to say that for so long, and now, I wish it hadn�t been said. Faith was placed in my judgment? Oh shite! What if, what if, what if I know what I�m doing? No one need know how much planning I put into my life; it�s not healthy I think. But if I want something, I find more often than not, I get it. I wish you had more faith in my decisions, not all of me is based purely on whim.

I can�t stop feeling this irritating and quiet paranoia that things will come crashing down over my head. Maybe for the fact that when I make wishes now, I can�t think of anything.

Nothing is really that wrong. Everything so right it scares me.