fear and loathing in portland
<< 10:32 p.m. - Saturday, Jan. 11, 2003 >>
I think of that poem in Mr. Gordin�s room; �You reading this, be ready.� Believe what you want, but try not to judge. The truth (whatever it may be) is out there. Choking all moments that ever mattered. Bow to its presence. I finally abide. I�ll try and stop my poetic cryptic writing. It�s easy to hide in written word�

Am I doing something wrong? Yes�yes, it must be that. I can�t seem to say the right thing. There�s no spark in her voice. I think I�ve lost another friend without knowing it. How can that be? They seem to be dropping like flies. Eyes averted, head turned like a negative magnet close to another of it�s kind. Sad Eyes� tone with me gets sharper and more business-like with me every passing second. Animal Lover and I seem to be glaring at each other, while Effervescent Girl just seems bored. Throughout I remain in the dark, trying to find the light switch.

I am so tired of white lies. Those are the only kind I tell, the only kind I can manage. Anything bigger would topple me over and crush me with self-loathing. Truth is too bold, too stark. I want to appear happy and silly. (maybe that�s all I am) Why shouldn�t I be? How am I not? I don�t want bald apathy; I can�t stand veiled empathy. Shut up! Talk to me! So much conflict. No time. There isn�t time to mope, after all � doesn�t my future depend on the semester grades of a junior? Many people seem to think it does. Myself not excluded.

I try so hard not to care. I don�t like getting involved in something that should be so trivial and fleeting. I remain in this moment for an unending second and discovering �me�. There is no fucking me. I�m not distinct, face like a misshapen plate, no real features. An old friend said I always looked young. I�ll have the perpetual face of a child then? Perhaps that�s why I like self-portraits � I can draw whatever the hell I want and still I can say it�s me. Because I feel like nobody a lot of the time. These love movies I can�t see myself in. Beautiful celebrities that are so often touched and admired, � but still empty.

I don�t want to feel empty. I said a while ago that I could wait and that I was, in fact, quite good at it. A lie now. I have no patience. Where is love when you need it?