Let Me Purge These Words I Carry
<< 1:27 a.m. - Friday, Jun. 27, 2003 >>
The man of sorrow's acquainted with grief
Stands in line waiting for relief
He will tell ya it wasn't always this way
One bad little thing happened one bad little day
Heartbreak has bad teeth and a sour smell and lives when he can in a cheap hotel
-Greg Brown

From such a high this afternoon, I feel I'm dropping. I'm quieter than ever. My mind has slowed and fingers are hitting all the wrong keys. Andrew and Reid walked me home because I refuse to be driven. Why waste this time? I want to get to know people. Listen to their thoughts; try hard to understand where they are coming from. Piece together their lives. I think, in the end that is what matters most to me. Human relations. Perhaps my deterrence from saying things could be a good thing. I'm finding that I can get better perspectives on things if I shut my mouth. And if you're wondering, I'm not sad at all. Feeling nostalgic and optimistic.

Lives can change. Looking at myself I realize this. I can't lie and tell you that I always say what is on my mind. That isn't the point. But I am I much happier person.

This depression thing we all went through shaped the people we have become. Andrew said it was like being under water, a whole two years of life swallowed by this consuming doubt and hate. And I don't know what to say. How can I talk about something that seems so recent? I feel time was wasted, energy was spent, and I just couldn't come up with anything to show from my tribulations. I was in chaos, crouched against a crashing waterfall and frozen. Ended up with pins in my skin. These self-inflicted wounds don't make sense. I can't relate to the person who stares ahead at me with those haunting eyes. Who was I? Where has that Kelsi gone? I don't really know if I could tolerate meeting up with her again.

Walking along these silent streets and listening to Andrew and Reid talking, it was enough for me. I'm watching all the leaves sway on trees in the warm wind and listening to our feet on pavement.

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Hung out at Merwin Lake for many hours. Raced on a log and pretended we were back in dragon boats. Hah. Ultimate Frisbee. Talk sessions. Diving from the dock, or being pushed. But that wasn't me. Apparently I am an otter rather than a sheep, and I have to say that pleases me to no end. Sheep follow the herd, are governed by fear, lead uneventful lives. Sorry, the lake was awesome, but I'm not in the mood to expand about it. Later?