remembered release
<< 12:00 a.m. - Thursday, Jan. 22, 2009 >>
all these things must be released from me.
pouring, pouring, pouring like some great flood,
so that the water may scour all the buried hurt;
the rough patches of dried leaves and brittle twigs.
I need to sweep this pain away again
so I can keep walking with my head up.
so that I can keep remembering to let you go.

because you are so far from me.
so far.
my memory has faithfully released you from the typical film strip imagery of the past.
but I find myself hungry for resolution.
to see your face, and touch your hand,
and tell you how sorry I am that all the beauty
under the stars of three distinct countries with you
has undergone this terrible death.
i'm sorry i'm lonely for someone
but i'm not sorry i'm alone.
i wish vaguely that i knew where you were.

i'm not bleeding anymore;
this wound is healed
- still scarred.
and my heart remains untrustworthy
and fearful
that this could all befall me again.
that this innocent tender organ could be torn so badly de nuevo

i worry too that the stars will not be the same
and the moon, with me thinking, tenemos la misma luna
i worry that my second language and my second home will carry
your voice and your impression indefinitely.
you who made me me. my catalyst fiel
when all i want is your disappearance
from my future.
it is up to me to do this.
it is up to me to follow all this forward movement.
still so easy to turn back and look upon on all that was, all that is now destroyed.

we never mean for these things.
they still happen.