Secret
<< 10:26 p.m. - Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 >>
Half the time I don�t realize what it is I have said until the words have already fallen out, and I can�t take them back. I can�t pick up all the glass secrets I have broken. Without meaning, without thought. I�m sorry. So sorry if I�ve said too much. Sharing the heart you exposed with trust to me. I feel like a child at a sandy riverbed, digging for clams. Prying them open and when I find their tender inner flesh I cast them aside and keep digging. Keep searching. What is it that I am looking for?

I only mean to find lasting friendships, but I think I�m going about it in all the wrong ways. Don�t chase the kites, Kelsi. Don�t bother chasing them; they�ll come to you if they want to.

I was walking and fading out, and she said, �fickle� and I woke up. That was me you were talking about. Sting of a single word branded on my skin. And then he told me it was interesting how the moon had chosen me, or I had chosen it. That I embody, in a sense, the waning and waxing moon. All white and distant and cold, and yet spreading this odd light over everything. I want to see clearly what it is that I am doing. I feel blind. I feel so unknowing of what is to come. Let me be a good friend to those I care about.

�It started with me telling you things no one knows really, not even my friends of several years, so it�s not like we can talk about the weather.� I flatter myself. It is time for me to seal these lips.