"in short" That doesn't fit well.
<< 11:17 p.m. - Sunday, Nov. 17, 2002 >>
Flying over the handlebars of my bike. Coming back from Black Nails house, I went too fast. The wet leaves strewn about the sidewalk created a problem. For a split second I was conscious and thought of how much it was going to hurt. And then � Wham! I stood up from the ground, leaves in my hair, mud on my hoodie and leaves down my pants. Stumbled home, alone and hurting. The front wheel is bent out of shape. My knee is popping in unpleasant ways.

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Black Nails� party was great. I, as is my custom, remained mostly quiet and �peaceful�. We danced the Virginia reel in her street amid the shining sidewalk and the glowing streetlamps. When cars drove by we would part and cheer. I�ve never had so much fun in such a large group. For those moments we really connected.

Effervescent Girl, Pudgy Cheeks and I walked to the Safeway and got food (i.e. potatoes, an onion, Jones soda, & rolls). The night was clear and cool and I watched the love between them emerge like the tides. I did not mind not having �someone�. I felt happy to be in their presence, to realize that solitude is not eternal. I was filled. Complex and simple.

I don�t know how to assess my life in my usual fashion. I don�t know how to begin. Drugs take over life, I don�t want that. I don�t want to be governed by just one thing; become obsessed with a single idea. But in the end I always am.

I cling and break. An endless cycle that becomes worse every time. My mom says, �Where is the learning curve Kelsi? When are you going to figure out that this doesn�t work?� I really don�t know. I want to change but my mistakes are all I have known, I�d rather keep repeating them instead of creating new ones.

I feel that something is missing. I do not know what it is. As Black Nails said, �I find something somewhat resembling happiness yet I can�t bring myself to accept it. Maybe I subconsciously just want to be unhappy.� That seems to fit me. I can�t fit myself into a single box, I can�t lock myself up tight. I don�t know what to do.

*sigh*