Riding The Spiral
<< 11:37 a.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 05, 2003 >>
All I want to know is; am I rising or falling?

And I have returned and all is well. There isn�t a blond mirror of my five-year-old self pulling at my sleeve for attention any longer. Calling me Chelsea just for the hell of it, playing games called �Adventure Slide�, and picking her nose and wiping the boogers on me. A great relief and a strange feeling. I think I am close to loving that girl.

Now there is time to sit and think over my sitting and thinking on the boat. What did so much time alone bring me? Those hours sitting on the balcony and watching the water�s dance and letting the wind knot my hair. Memories come when I call them. Judi Dench thinking I was her daughter. Humpback whales ascending to the surface to breath and then sliding under the water, and I can feel is amazement. Here in this deep fjord there is so much life, and I only want to swim. Glaciers that hang blue on mountaintops. The entire family getting drunk out of their minds almost every night, and me, the dutiful babysitter falling asleep with Sydney at 10:30.

The mist on the green mountains and rocky shore, and I was in a different world. Tell me who I am again, because I can�t keep up with me or you. Change is constant my friend. Do not feel sorry for your new experiences. I love that you are happy and full.

And we all sat outside and I watched from a distance, I don�t know why. You were all laughing and giggling, and I wondered inwardly how much I had missed. I was a self-made observer of the events and sulky in my own little way. You sat beside me and I cried, and I don�t know why again. Looking at the stars and they were lost in the cloud of light rising from the city and it all came over me. All my loneliness on the boat came out, and I was so happy to be back with you all. Laughing and talking with those my age is a gift I forgot I could receive. Thank you.

If you look closely in those words I write around blue inked drawings you�ll see my exposedness. Inner thoughts. Know that I don�t normally do that. But then, everything is new.